I honestly don't know.. What exactly my mind set is now.. While I write this blog post. Sitting in a train, filled with people,chatting, having dinner, kids shouting. People on a journey. Everyone has their own... Recently I have been shaken by the death of my Ideal band's lead singer.. Chester Bennington from linkin Park. Noh I had never met him or talked to him,but his voice, his lyrics I could relate to. It felt like, his voice was a pitch which understood my thoughts.
The reason why he chose to end his life was the 'Void' which no one understands. I under stand that void, because I try to fill it everyday, n I know it takes a hell lot of strength to fight against it. It just a hole which never fills up.. No matter what you do. You just feel your up all alone, with everything around you. You just behave normal with people around... Where as your fighting a whole new battle each moment, because you just don't know when that one overwhelming moment will come, and you'll choose to end your misery.
Your scared of that moment, because there is one thought, what?? What if I end this life today... Right now, but what if my tomorrow had that ray of hope?? And the next moment you are just flooded with those all thoughts of how your life has been. How hard the struggle was/is??
The next thought which comes is, how should it be?? In The End, because I have been waiting for the end to come, but it didn't. A razor blade?? Excessive anti depressant?? While traveling thoughts pass.. What if I jump in from of the truck? Car?
A voice from inside keeps on say just go for it... Don't stop. And then the moment of reality, of where am I?? Why am I here? I just don't like the voices inside my head. I just wish someone could just make them vanish.
Then another voice inside the head says... It's your fault, because it's your life. Then a third voice says, no its not your fault, I wish you had a better life in the past, in your childhood, in your teenage, in your early adulthood... Wish there were people who knew what a delicate mind I had. Which wanted nothing else than a hug, a Soothing voice of someone who just said at that time that `don't worry, I'm here for you, no matter its good or bad. '
That one voice at that correct time would have molded over lives very differently. But I guess it's destiny. May be we are strong enough to fight till the time we can and when that overwhelming moment comes, be stronger enough to to end this misery.
Chester, I know, 'your sorry for now, that you cannot be around, there will be a day they will understand'
Thank you for being my hero for all these years and not making me feel alone and find a home in your voice n lyrics.
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