Who Cares If One More Light Goes Out??

I honestly don't know.. What exactly my mind set is now.. While I write this blog post. Sitting in a train, filled with people,chatting, having dinner, kids shouting. People on a journey. Everyone has their own... Recently I have been shaken by the death of my Ideal band's lead singer.. Chester Bennington from linkin Park. Noh I had never met him or talked to him,but his voice, his lyrics I could relate to. It felt like, his voice was a pitch which understood my thoughts.

The reason why he chose to end his life was the 'Void' which no one understands. I under stand that void, because I try to fill it everyday, n I know it takes a hell lot of strength to fight against it. It just a hole which never fills up.. No matter what you do. You just feel your up all alone, with everything around you. You just behave normal with people around... Where as your fighting a whole new battle each moment, because you just don't know when that one overwhelming moment will come, and you'll choose to end your misery. 

Your scared of that moment, because there is one thought, what?? What if I end this life today... Right now,  but what if my tomorrow had that ray of hope?? And the next moment you are just flooded with those all thoughts of how your life has been. How hard the struggle was/is?? 

The next thought which comes is, how should it be?? In The End, because I have been waiting for the end to come, but it didn't.  A razor blade?? Excessive anti depressant?? While traveling thoughts pass.. What if I jump in from of the truck? Car?

A voice from inside keeps on say just go for it... Don't stop. And then the moment of reality, of where am I??  Why am I here? I just don't like the voices inside my head. I just wish someone could just make them vanish. 

Then another voice inside the head says... It's your fault, because it's your life. Then a third voice says, no its not your fault, I wish you had a better life in the past, in your childhood, in your teenage, in your early adulthood... Wish there were people who knew what a delicate mind I had. Which wanted nothing else than a hug, a Soothing voice of someone who just said at that time that `don't worry, I'm here for you, no matter its good or bad. '

That one voice at that correct time would have molded over lives very differently. But I guess it's destiny. May be we are strong enough to fight till the time we can and when that overwhelming moment comes, be stronger enough to to end this misery. 

Chester, I know, 'your sorry for now, that you cannot be around, there will be a day they will understand' 

Thank you for being my hero for all these years and not making me feel alone and find a home in your voice n lyrics. 

Pain - My Best Friend.

Each morning there is a wish from her side,She closes her eyes n just prays...that if there ever is time travel... she would travel back a decade and set somethings right. She knows that she is demanding too much..something which is unrealistic and of-course not possible as if for now. Holding the water filled bottle in her hand, she just looks at it..unscrews it n drinks it as routine. And wishes...that lord...please..I can have a day without this pain? There  is somewhere a little addition to the prayer..please end this torture.But Then..She has realized and accepted...That...Pain -Is-My-Best -Friend.

Tears roll down her eyes and yet shes gathering strength for the battle that awaits for her ahead. There are certain set rules out in the battle field, and you have to revise them..recite them in your head, like the morning prayers. Be Emotion-Less, Do Not Create Attachments,Do Good, Keep A Smile On And Survive.

You go out to work, pretend to be as normal as anyone around you, function normal, when you know that this is not normal. You just force yourself..Drag yourself beyond your limits..just because you are strong and do not like sympathy.And the people around you do not get to know what a battle is going inside you.

Its just so exhausting. It hurts trying to reject feelings,everything and trying to stay neutral. It hurts a lot..trying to be normal..when I know I am not. She just sits thinking..I just wish someone could understand what I have to go through each day. There are days when I just wish to end this life long agony.I also have my threshold against pain. This physical pain of mine dies drive me crazy mentally and yet I have to smile..WHY? Sometimes when I go to hospital, the doctor refuses to take my pain serious, just because I'm smiling? Why just cant he understand this simple fact that Pain is my best friend.

Some days, when the god does grant her The Wish - She feels restless...There is something missing.Where did it go? This is not Normal.This is not me.Where did my Best Friend Go?

Pain has always meant different for everyone...But one,this,was common for all of them..That Pain Is Temporary.But for her Pain was Permanent. It had changed Her...Her life...forever. Made her A Very strong person. Nothing mattered to her anymore now. Other than surviving. Because, Only the fittest survives. And she wanted to prove that she is fit. Pain might have been an inseparable part of her, It might have been driving her crazy. Yet she was better than a thousands around her.

And With Pride She Always Said - Pain You Are My Best Friend. 

How Education Ruined Us.

How is it like to be...from a family, which has school principals, professors from reputed educational institutions of India. Grandparents who are Graduates of their times? Elder brother n sisters who are scientists?

The answer is Pressure. If to be said in Hindi - 'Ghor Pressure'.

The other day, my sister who happens to be studying engineering, came to my father and said - " This book which we bought has only theory for X subject. Lets return this n get *This* book which has questions to solve to." To this my father replied " Keep this I'll order that book too. No compromises on books (Study related)."

How our parents instantly agree upon buying n number of books..materials needed related to education..but if the same is for a novel or say a badminton racket or saying your wish for perusing those dance classes? There always is a second thought there from their side.
Thankfully my parents never gave a second thought to these.(The benefits of having parents who interact with students on daily bases) 

Education is just like Marriage (Shaadi Ka Laddo) - 'Jo Khaye Pashtaye, Jo Na Khaye Pashtaye.'... If I study, I'll earn well, have a status in the society AND relatives. If I don't study...well..as one of my faculty says...girls at least have THE option of getting married, what about you boys??

There is like this HUGE competition going on EVERYWHERE, for being on the top.Passing each year. When you clear all your subjects, the internal forces put pressure..Mission Topper.*Mission Accomplished* Next in line..Maintain the success of the Mission Topper by hook or by crook (By genuine efforts of studying or the most common method now a days, which keep the Amul's butter division of India running in all its glory.) 

Degree Completed.

What comes next is if you are a girl and you have a bit orthodox family - *Marriage.* But, If you hail from a family such as mine...so what about post graduation? Or a job? which is good in a way, and bad too. Good? for obvious reasons. Bad - let me think for sometime what I want to do with my life.Let me just shed off the intense pressure of the Four Years of college. But it's not even their fault..The system is built so that as you complete your undergrad. the post grad intakes going on, not leaving you a much option of the peaceful thinking.

When I look at my childhood years of studies - All I remember is 3 P.M.- 5 P.M. Studies.5 P.M.- 8 P.M. PLAY TIME (no matter how much my mom or dad would shout..but 5-8 is playtime) 8.30 P.M. -9.30 P.M. study time again. The Play Time was the most important part of the day.Lots of planning was put into it during the school hours - " Tu shaam ko aa rahi/raha hai na? ohk..aaj yeh khelte hai..Lets all meet up at this place at this time. With everyone agreeing its called *DONE*."

Soon as the time passed by we all saw how the 5 P.M. - 8 P.M. play time was over taken by Extra Coaching. Small kids, be it from grade 1 to of course the grade 10 n the Boards giving students will be seen traveling to their coaching centers. From one concrete box to another. From one form of mental pressure to another. Feeding in the sense less competition into young delicate minds each second. Ruining childhood..giving them no memories to smile upon.No memories to laugh upon.

But what exactly is the importance of the 'Play Time'? The answer is A LOT. This play time is the time of relaxation, the time of getting social with others.This play time includes games,sports..so there's introduction of the attitude of sportsman-ship into ones life. There's introduction of team work and social responsibility.

The other day my Roommate (Now my Ex-roommate) says.."Di appko pata hai..? My nephew got 87% in L.K.G." I was dumbstruck Ranking/Percentage in Kinder Garden? Ohk...Now what left is..an I.Q test of the unborn child from the mothers womb only.

Of course I had a weird expression on my face..which lead her to ask me what happened? My first reaction - you sure he is in L.K.G.? Knowing me well..she understood why I had such an expression. "I also dont like competition, the system of ranking/percentage.It's feeding just competition, greed,and pressure into young minds"

EXACTLY!! why the parents do not think this??? That what exactly are we teaching our kids? Lols..this reminds me a dialogue - "Woh?? Sharma Ji k bete ko dekha??? 90% laya hai woh aur tum??"

Sharma Ji's child has got 90%..It's good..but what has it done to your kid? filled hate...he got 90% n i got less..My dad hates me for this..I hate Sharma Ji's son. Each time when he sees Sharma Ji's son,he gets angry,anxious may be curse full too. Next...his mental peace is gone for not standing up to his dads expectations.Which in the end makes a child give away its physical and mental health. All a student needs is the support of its parents, its teachers.That its ok if you did not score well this time..you will next time.Put in good efforts (And by good efforts not meaning to cut down the play time or the hobby pursuing time and just be with the books.)

This situation is same at all the levels of education or as a matter of fact now at jobs too.

Look around you...Or look at your own story. I'm pretty sure you could have related your self to this..and must be thinking - wish I could play outside, wish I could speak for my self..hes Sharma Ji ka beta, I'm myself, wished my parents were a bit more understanding. Most of all Wished The System Was Not Like This.

We need to give all this a thought. For example,just look at your grand parents,your parents. Whether one accepts this fact or not..they knew the balance. How much education is important and how much non educational things such as perusing your hobbies side by side. Remember your grandparents visiting your home,and on seeing you all the time with book and their saying - "Beta thoda khel k aa..bahar nikalna jaruri hai, khelna jaruri hai."

Think about it...So that when the end comes you don't think - THIS IS HOW EDUCATION RUINED ME.

The Feeling Of Being Used And The Satisfaction Of Being Used.

The other day,there was a knock on my door.As the usual, it was one of my friends.I let her in and when two women are together, they get into talking. We both talked for quite some time and as she was leaving,she asked me one thing?

"Aap Bura Na Mano Toh Aap Seh Ek Baat Kahu?"
Me - "Haan Kyon Nahi?"
She - "Maine Yeh Dekha Hai,Bahut Der Seh Dekh Rahi Hu...Aap Ko Sab USE Karte Hai. Please Aap Bura Mat Maana."
Me - "Nahi Don't Worry :).Par Haan I Know That." (I had a smile on my face)
She - "Toh Aap Kuch Kehti Kyon Nahi..Aap K Jahga Main Hoti Toh Suna Dehti Acche Seh."

And then she left..and I was standing there smiling still,closing the door, came back and sat on my study chair with a Blank Mind.But after some time, it hit me what she said.And I got to think about it.

THE FEELING OF BEING USED.
Yes it is frustrating, makes you feel bad, feel helpless. And as for an emotional person like me - will sit n cry for hours thinking Why Me?? Feel bad for a few days and then promise my self there will not be a next time. But all these promises made to self are temporary (laughs). After the emotional wash..It's always back to square zero. Why?? The answer to that according to what I feel is ahead.

THE SATISFACTION OF BEING USED.
The person who uses one, might think - Ohk...my works done.now who's me..who's she? (the selfish motives). But for me I think - Ohk..I was for use for someone.Be it, they had selfish motive. Be they were in need. And I could help them. No gives n Takes..No owing, Nothing. And That satisfaction gives me a smile..The Satisfaction Of Being Used :).

The Unsung Hero.

I get to spend most of my day working with and talking to people from all walks of life. I have the satisfaction of helping people to stay active and independent despite disease or injury. I get to choose from a number of different work environments - from hospitals to sports clubs or people's home. I learn more about the human body and find out about how different diseases affect it. And yet I am un-noticed. Yet I'm The un-sung hero of the society.

People look at me with the eyes of a masseuse..I'm more than that.I have the power to cure a person without the help of medications.I have the power of healing a person, without cutting it open.

I stand all day on my feet. I study each day more, so that you lead a better life.Yet I'm the unsung hero.

I walk you through the pain. Holding your hand, being by your side at every step.I'm the one going through your anger, yet composed.

You are just like an unborn child to me. When I see you get better, its the same feeling of that what a mother gets seeing her child develop.

The only wish I have all this while is just not to see you again. That you never fall sick till this extent and go through all this pain, frustration and helplessness. That you have to come back to me again.

I'm A Physiotherapist. I'm Your Unsung Hero.

Hospitals And Health Care, Are They Really Health Care Or Just Another Money Making Machine?

My experience with the doctors as such has not been good. Hence I decided to become one.With the motto to serve the people, without thinking of my own profit.And to see actually what  makes the doctors of today so ruthless that they forget the "Hippocratic Oath" and look at their ease and well being.The oath of the patient first, vanishes somewhere.

With two years as a learner in the medical profession (Physiotherapy) has let me to understand this.

1) Use Machines On the Patients.Even though not needed. Reason? Who will manually put efforts and most precious energy in the patient who is in pain?? After the machines done for the day..instruct a few exercises for few days.
2) A minimum 5-Days Visit.
3) If the patient complaints - Doctor sahab machine lagane k baad bhi dard nahi gaya,then care to physically examine the patient.
4) Keep On Prescribing Painkillers, Etc and keep on chasing the patient away.(For the time being)
5) Patient persistent???(What The F**K and have to now get up,stand and mobilize its limb)Come Lemme try something new.

Meaning what was supposed to be the initial step comes on to the last. This was the practical part of it.Now lets come to the theory.

 Medical profession is surely not easy. Noh I'm not saying by looking at the amount of material to be studied. I'm saying because the amount of abuse given by the people - Faculty,Seniors.
At the end of the day one feels mentally raped. And with time the sensation goes, just like the cardiac rhythm gone flat.
Do not expect the seniors/faculty to understand that you are a human,can fall sick too. Because you are in medical profession,you are a super human!

Your patients society status matters a lot in the treatment plan..if the patients rich..you are supposed to give a respectful n correct treatment. If your patient is poor..you are supposed to be rude and just HANDLE the patient. Thought the fee given by both is same.

Like any other course in India, medical is also self study one.Do not expect your teachers that they will take classes etc. And if they do, they manage to make it super boring.

At the end of the day,only one thought remains unanswered in my mind - What and Where things are so wrong that, a profession like medicine has become ruthless.Where students are taught ruthless-ness. Human life has no value.

Should I become the same? Or still stand on my principles?
Indian cinema has managed well in portraying doctors are almost equivalent to god. In olden days..True. In today's date??

MBBS,BDS,BPT all in the end is about the heavy flow of money into ones bank accounts and the Society Status, not the Hippocratic Oath.

In the end, its a saddening situation around and nobody cares.

Open Or Closed Door?

So many people we meet in our life. Some stay, some leave. Some stay for a certain time teach us something, a lesson for life and leave. I happened to meet this girl in one of my journeys back. It all started with a Hi and soon we were talking. And this is what she happened to share ( I'll write it down as she is narrating it).
" So I happened to meet this guy, through a mutual friend.As a normal story we talked fell for each other...but the twist here is the insecurity.the insecurity from his side that his parents wont approve and from my side of loosing him,which arose from his insecurity.Eventually we ended up fighting and things ended.The end was easy for him to handle, but not for me. I was devastated. Had lost my mind. Didn't know what to do now. As I had presumed my world revolved around him. The Sun of my solar system was gone. And everything was falling apart. I decided I can't handle this anymore, So tried finishing the pain. But that also went in vein. I felt all the doors were closed for me as I'm an emotional person. Somehow time passed by. And with that I was understanding something, was learning something. Was learning about ME. How to love myself to be independent and a bit less emotional. And the doors started to open. One by One as each door opened I walked on a new path and learnt new lesson of life. At the end I thank him for what all happened, Because if his insecurity had not lead to all this, The all good would not have happened."

The conversation ended there.She slept, And I was awake thinking how we happen to decide whether the door is OPEN or CLOSED. What we feel is the end is actually a new beginning. We all go through this in life. The Closed door gives us frustration, irritation, sadness and with the current technology depression too. But all it takes is Optimism.That its just the wait. A new doors going to open soon. This taught me a new lesson. Never all the doors are closed. There is always one open. Which He has kept for our good. All it takes is acceptance for one that yes something good is going to happen from here. And walk ahead.